may 27 2026

been staying up too late thinking too much
feeling too much
wondering how i let myself dig holes so deep
how i let my brain trick me
how i beleive it
i feel insane all the time
i feel nothing all the time
i feel unhappy when im alone
and at the same time completely
unable to be around people and be myself
im a shell
its like i cant remember who i am
so i cry and cry
and just focus on being a loving partner and a good mother
and i go to wokr and i do a good job
and at night i wonder whats wrong with me
and i dont sleep because im plagued by this
why it feels easier to be alone


i go over my history in my mind like its a bible i think to myself this happened so that i could be like this and i deserve nothing and i have to let myself accept the love i get but its so hard when i deserve nothing

April 27 2026

horrible week, in the middle of six day week week i got crazy 4 day migraine
but the inbetween moments of sunshine were okay
got to bike to work and sit in the park and read
found out one of my older coworkers was from pei
its like being in a secret
club when someones been to my small fishing town
i lov east coast
hand fed my crow
loved some people
thought about an old classmate i had
whose parents wouldnt let her watch the sex ed video in grade 6
thought about being 8 and comforting
my brother while i cried and he colored and i held him
thought about my fathers musty apartment
it was one year ago that i watched him die
i want to smoke about it but wont
i want to drink about it but i will abstain
i wont cry about it
ill just be reading in the park

April 21 2026

Weird month cant quite recall
im just insanely happy that the sun hath returned
ive longed to feel her and to rip off my pants
and bike in the wind without needing to coverup
ive been playiojng project zomboid
ive been listening to ninjarachi and ear and frog
im going to see elias ronnenfelt with damon next month
still not feeling normal around people yet
i come hom eand cry to damon about it
still off the vape although i snuck a cig
which resulted in zero ability to emotionally regulate
which i cannot handle so i gotta keep trucking
im still making home cooked meals
oh but i got into a horrible argument with my step father
fighting about cops i left my moms mid argument as i had enough
so disregulating i have too much trauma to be able to function normally in a fight
i just shut down and my brain doesnt let me think of any good points to bring up...
so frustrating
immediate feeling is to avoid forever but i am forced to return....
wretched feeling.... but before all that happened
anakin and i had a really nice heart to heart
i love when he opens up to me its such a beautiful feeling
to be trusted by your child
makes me weep thinking about it.

March 13 2026

anakin and i went to the aquarium
walked around stanley park
all the way to cactus club for redemption meal.
nice day with the boy
taking care of my physical needs
has put my emotoionals on the backburner.
i am ai
i dont need anyth8ing

March 13 2026

at the end of feb i got like so super sick.
was vaping so much and finally stopped.
i didnt work or leave my house for a full two weeks.
watched sopranos every day in a fever dream.
damon and i spent our tenth anniversary
on the couch together while i was a sick dying baby.
i attended a movie screening for my coworker who passed away.
i couldnt look any of my peers in the eyes and struggled to talk.
ended up having a panic cry night at work later.
just feeling so alien.
like without smoking i have really no sheild.
its been 41 days of isolating.
i feel better in the way that i can think clearly again,
i can think about making a dinner and then make the dinner.
i can keep my house clean.
i can get up off the couch and stretch my body.
and i guess while these things
seem simple were a huge struggle for me this year.
im just left figuring out my place
socially and where i fit in without it all.
Damon and i went to ikea and
hung up our bikes and got rid of so much shit
the house feels like its in a livable state again.
anakins coming over this week
im really excited to take him to the aquarium..
last night i went to bed after workiing the gala and
layed there awake til 6AM. misery.
thinking overthinkng. father haunting me

March 11 2026

starting fresh cause looking at all that shit was too muc.
archived. all so peachy. new year.
slow changes. doing things i dont normally do. reading,
cooking, cleaning, not smoking, not drinking,
isolating cause im not ready to face
the world wiht my lobotomy, sitting with my feelings. yada yada.
gonna be a boring year for the ol blog. jk i still cry and
feel inadiquaTE and want to crawl into holes and want to die.
just privately in my home.
its almost my fravorite tijme of year.