Oct 25 2024
11:05pm
yes. suicidal birthday. cant suppress that! feeling out of my skin done. have u ever cried for 48 hours straight, its hell! triggered by words and my mind feeling like everything is a fake trick. delusions of dark cavernous holes. feelings of utter dissapointment with progress of my life. where am i what am i doing? fucking nothing i have been doing FUCKING nothing. i was in a state of permanent avoidance. and now that my brain has been rewired. i can return to my normal scheduled isolations of the mind heart soul. while i decide what i need to do. faking happiness when i talk to my mother. crying on the phone to my brother. its safe because he laughs at me. no prying eyes. i cannot be apart of halfs. feeling half loved feeling half cared about. i would rather not. somehow damon loves me sweeter than anything. a real gem a real love. im 33 now kicking and screaming that im missing so much from my life. isnt it a shame the distance that grows. between the cracks of love lost. traded for the comfort of my living room where ill stay forever. no demands pulling me im free to rot....................................... left me questioning my existance and its meaning and worth. is it worth it. to hurt and feel. to suffer. all i can do is cry about it. because its not fair to want to die how rude it is to the ones i love and how selfish. so i cry cry cry. And i wonder if my mothers father grappled with the same thoughts of guilt when he pulled the trigger or was it all too sad and tragic the feelings inside. (when i said i wanted nothign thats not really what i meant)
SEP 12 2024
1:42pm
hmmm ive been notoriously absenty. same feelings of dreadfull nothing. decided vaping all day everyday is fine(does not feel fine though). been at one of my jobs for a year and a half and made no friends (something wrong with me). somehow my relationship flowers and grows so big and strong, but not in a codependent way. I dont have much to say i guess. got a familly doctor a year ago meeeting him for the first time next week. unable to sleep thinking of what i might have to say to him. i spend as little time as possible ruminating as im done thinking and pondering. is it fate that a wasp has stung me, after a lifetime without stings. saw the stars for the first time since 20__? imagine that leaving the city smog to find forest smoke everywhere you go blocking the sweet stars that ground you to this earth.. havent done a hobby in months (thank you tik tok). the world is a lonely place. i dont have the energy to exist and converse until im overstimulated and laughing. been reading. didnt it felt so good when everything was slowly moving together and touching contracting in just to fall apart.i just have to apreaciate what i had for whatever time i had it for. spent years trying to figure out why is feel the way i feel. why i do what i do. and now that i know. relaxing my brain out no more ruminating just knowing makes writing feel pointless. my father is still alive i check to see if hes active on facebook. he is. someone near and dear is going through cancer its been jarring and stark how little control we have how little there is to say about it. it just is. its all is what it is. i just vape and ignore hunger cues until i feel like i will die. i just force myself to shower and get rdy for work at the last minute. i just barely function. i just barely have the energy to care about myself.
March 26 2024
10:42pm
OK yesterday was dramatic. Eeverything just feels bigger and stronger than it really is. Im having a very hard time participating in social contexts. Im contantly fighting my brain to let me speak but it doesnt know when to say things or what to say and so it feels so much easier to say nothing. and if im saying nothing why am i there at all. I do just beleive that my existance brings nothing to the table and i do feel i take up unnescessary space. anyways....
March 25 2024
2:42pm
Woke up with a dreadful feeling inside of me. that im nothing. Im unable to be someone. i cant speak. i think nothing. i have nothing of myself to give to anyone, which makes knowing anyone so pointless. there is nothing to gain from my existance. I will only continue to dissapear. I fear letting anyone know me because i will dissapear. my opinions are irrelevant, when nothing matters.
February 29 2024
11:42am
good morning to the world i am worldless and deep into my bullet journaling. had a headache for a month. very little desire to leave my home. if i let myself think too muchbout anything i fear i might feel something i wont be able to stop. must continue to live numb to it all. I live so much of my life in my head that i cannot distinguish what are things ive done and what ive thought of doing. Its hard to trust myself. with anythig for fear that i will think ive done something i havent. turn off the stove send an email. also have a deep fear that im developing aphasia everyday im foretting words, gone from my mind.xoxoxoxoxox
January 16 2024
1:50pm
hellloooo i am tuning in and out.AWOKe from my first draco malfoy dream as i live and breathe. im three books into the new year. Ive just made the shittiest pot of coffee from lack of practice. My insides are wiggling from vulnerability. Its hard to trust in my actions not garnering reactions. i cant fathom what they might be! We just lived through a very cold time. my face was frozen repeatedly. im healing. im eating. im breathing. . so i must be alright for now.
January 05 2024
1:50pm
yikes i have been thrust into the new year. have rotted in the bed the last two days. last year i entered the new year with clear intensions. this year feels a lot more laissez-faire. No real rules or directions i want to head into. Cant think of a single thing i ache for. Feeling extremely content with drifting nothingness. I dont feel bad about anything at this point. I might want to reliquish control of the idea of being in control worry less about how any small change might affect someones emotions. I left the other night worrying i had over shared after taking a quiet oath to shut the fuck up about myself. It felt bad to break it. but i cant think of any consequenses other than i might be viewed as annoying which i think im okay with as im confortable being alone right now anyways. But i would still like to continue shutting the fuck up about myself. whenever i give parts of myself away it feels too vulnerable it comes with strings growing out of me. so many expectations that i will fail to meet. I can hardly be what im meant to. but this is a year of no caring no judging no expectations no worrries. i come apart only from the weight of everyone around me.
December 29 2023
core memory pt 3
Its been so long since ive thought about your bloated corpse
laying in the coffin
on a sunny day
we met in the parking lot and made our way into a room with snacks and beverages
grey carpets
jenny hugged me
and wept in my arms
i couldnt cry when everything felt surreal
once we were allowed into the room i sat a few rows back
they played some drone like chanting from a cellphone
i cant recall if i was seated next to anyone
While i sat there and tried to think of everytime we kissed
knowing i would one day forget
every kiss
the way i have forgotten how your body didnt look like you anymore
your neck was filled with gasses and water
from being lost for a week
floating and alone
i wanted to kiss you one last time
even if you smelled awful
and your skin was hardly yours anymore
but it would have been innapropriate
instead i cried as i went up to get one last look
i tried my best to take it all in
the last of you
in the end it dawned on me that you werent there
December 28 2023
12:46pm
been some months since ive been feeling the need to write. Funny how much a few months can change so much i feel like a different person. I just have nothing to say about myself. Im floating inbetween existing and nothing. Filling myself wiht so much all the time i dont have to think. I dont have to feel. I had a moment a few weeks ago brought on by a fan fiction i was reading. thought i would have to kill myself. or think about killing myself. so i danced instead. I wanted to do more but that was enough to pull me out. Im still saying the wrong things. being annoyinggggg. and so ugly inside. I wonder less about why i let things falll apart. having come to the conclusion my mind wont let me know. Had a moment (a month) of refusing to cook and only eating out thankfully i was working enought to afford this. will need to resume cooking kd during these months of few shifts. I have regressed greatly. Try so hard no to feel guilty. about living the way i do. its so hard to leave the house. I feel deeply connectted to my 13 yr old self whom had no friends and didnt leave the house, and entertained myself every night while my mom was at work. with my boom box and diary. except its fan fiction and fortnite. I forgot that i should take care of myself and for 2024 i would like to try to remember how. all that 2023 has left me with is ..........! Finding comfort with being mute and silly. i will always be like this. i guess.
Juy 24 2023
4:46pm
core memory pt 2 / 1991-2000 brain archives
my brother and i are staying with my godmother lynn
its canada day
we are in the backseat of her and her bfs car
parked on a hill waiting for the fireworks to start
the sky is dark its late and i can feel myself get sleepy
im cozy in the backseat with my brother
we got here hours ago to get a good spot
lynn is a hairdresser
she is one of 6 people who have cut my hair
she gave me a mushroom cut in the 3rd grade
i remember thinking this haircut was not for me but its a year i dont remember existing
her boyfriend is a truck driver
he has sandy blonde hair and reminds me of a rugged ken doll
he let me ride in the truck and blow the horn once we rode down his street and i remember
he showed me where he had to sleep on the long rides
in the car they are fighting
im only 7 im trying to only pay attention to the fire works
Lynns nose starts bleeding after he punches her in the face
My brother and i are quiet as we know not to be seen when tensions are high
Lynn is crying
In the summer i saw a porcupine in her yard it was my first time seeing one
I still remember the feeling of yearning
wanting to touch his quills
i watched him as he walked slowly across her yard
In the winter Lynns boyfriend took me on a snow mobile ride around his property
riding through a path he had carved out many times before i don’t recognize anything with all the snow on top
the house is dark and has a lot of things inside
i wonder why they don’t get better lighting
i remember in the bedroom a teddy bear holding a silk heart that says ‘i love you’
my brother and i set up a little tv and play super mario on the ground
I can hear my mother and Lynn gossiping in the kitchen
recounting the events of the fireworks
and smoking as friends do
Juy 24 2023
4:46pm
core memory pt 1 / 1991-2000 brain archives
i don’t leave my trail
small and young but not frail
alone i pick my starberries
sometimes walking fast to keep up with my father
sometimes running when the air is too still
in the distance i can hear the dogs are barking
but i never see them
i imagine they might tear me apart if they got loose and found me
my father carved these trails for me
he made them so i could wander
into the endless fields
where time stands still
and crickets slip from my fingers
while snakes slither under my feet
i find a small burrow in the bushes to get small into
to rest my head
i close my eyes
i listen to the wind
and imagine i’m all alone in the world
June 2 2023
10:17AM
been a minute since i jotted down a feeling. have been wanting to hold them close to my chest. It feels good to ensure no one knows about my insides. my true.I feel the sick pit in my belly all the time. havent been this consistently weepy since my early 20's. I feel like i didnt cry for years. (a lie) waking up confused because i dont know if my dream was real or not. my son becomes a teenager this weekend. again makes me weep. letting the world slip from my fingers makes me weep. my inability to be a stable human makes me weep. its hard to imagine yourself in the future, when you only have so many years left and wonder how will i pull this together when ive been at the same standstill wall ive been at my whole life. makes it so easy to choose an innevidable end. i still feel like a child and im looking for someone to hold my hand. i know i should grow up. i tell excuses to myself in my head all day trying to make a reasonable reason for any of this. but the truth is there is none im just rotten. cant hardly let myself be happy when i can feel the weight of all the pain i hold onto. sometimes i cnt do anything but writhe in bed. sometimes i feel like quitting my stable job was the worst decision i could have made. i desperatly need stability in order to keep my brain and body regulated. the less time to writhe the less time to think and feel. the more i think and feel the less i respond and function in my relationships. my fathers cancer is bavk im unnable to face or acknowledge it. just another tool to help me sink in further to my innevidable catatonia. theres so much guilt all the time for all the things i didnt do. i feel a deep innability to connect with anyone / i feel so damn empty inside theres truly nothing inside me to give.
Mar 17 2023
9:40am
Feeling so regular inside. hello. March has been flying by. kinda sad. Anakin is staying with me for spring break, i lov to have him here im sad hes gotta go home at the end. He made me start playing fortnite whihc im horrendous. We saw the new scream whihc was litty in the dbox. Its been three months of working at arts club and im hoping ive got another job to gte called back for soooooon. still dealoiing with anxiety that feels like the type you get in high school. extreme dread/avoidance. not rly sure what the solution is for that. still not drinking or smoking. though i feel it would help me but my health still feels deteriorsated from being sick for a month dont wanna push it. desperate for a sunburn. I think all my muscles have shrivelled away after this month of bedriddenness. scared for when i get on my bike again.ANYWAYS....
Mar 09 2023
8:20am
not sure how its march 9th, ive simply not done a single fucking thing except sit with anxiety in my home. the overarching menacing feeling in my life is still stuck to me. On the bright side my brain is in god mode and my insides are overinflated. I finally feel well enough to go back to the gym which i think will tame the brain a bit. been thinking about hitting up the mentol health department while my pain i still fresh in my brain. desperately do not want to be on medication with how fleeting these moments of brain pain are. not sure what i want.
Mar 03 2023
1:56pm
wowowoowow hello again from my period brains pit of despair. Stomach is sunk I fell like ive missed something. Cant put my finger on what (I can i dont want to). WHY as a person do I LET IT GET LIKE THIS. (its not that bad) it is bad? ive been sick for a month had my wisdom tooth taken out a month ago and im simply diein since with a day of reprieve here and there. Still doing self isolation. Unable to answer my works emails, been ignoring them for a week. highly likely i will be fired. would love to not sit here wishing i could answer the email i would love to answer the email. everytime i try i cant. i cant do it?????????? its actually comical to have a lil bit of select online muteness. PHYSICALLY unable to perform simple tasks. Its a shame i feel so insane and bad currently because i felt fine all month no guilt (some guilt) but mostly i was able to not feel it. but now its here in my belly making a home making me sick. making me wish i was dead. a lil worm in the brain telling me im rotten. Im sick and i cant drink and i quit smoking and i have nothing to give me repreive from bad bad feeling. I have nothigng to take this feeling away. in my mind its like ok bitch lets look at a list of self harm tools u got access to. not very health goth of me. i aint smoking because i do not even feeeeel like it its like giving me intense guilt the thot of doing it. and drinking makes me feel like sooooch shit. Im hardly working i have no money coming in. i have no excuse for being such shit shit person. IM NEVER doing enough, Im letting things slip between my fingertips. I pulled some tarrot cards to get a read on my situation and frankly it was triggering because its so glaringly spot on. anyways this has been my trauma dump of the month. xoxo on the bright side my relationship is doing so well we r happi n in lov and thats my only repreive in this evill fucking world. longing for lush new brunswick farm time summers
Jan 12 2023
11:26AM
pt 2 its hard to navigate my relationships when i am feeling the depression due to my brain tricking me into feeling perceived rejections and resentments that are not rational but my brain feels them all the same. I do my best to keep my distance in these situations because i KnOw its not real but the feelings i feel are ReAL. which leads to me being sooooo negative and snappy and slighted. just a fuckin shit storm i cant get out of. So far the only solution i got for that is isolation/keeping my mouth shut because even I dont even like me. Ive got the big belly pit feeling and simultaniously feel like im stuck standing infront of a car thats gonna hit me but i cant move or do anything or say anything. being unable to reciprocate love is my ultimate demise.
Jan 12 2023
11:26AM
woke up crying truly opened my eyes and tears poured out / wanting to kms. aka time to get on here and write something. funy how the brain forgets how bad the depression feels when it aint there.unable to get help when i feel this way, unable to get help when i dont feel this way cause i convince myself i am FInE. dont feel like i have the resources to reach out rn. My grandmother passed last week. she was 92 and had dementia. I havent seen or talked to her since i left new brunswick. Spent a lot of time with her growing up.Leaving her and my aunt in 2001 was the last time i felt like i had family that loved and cared for me/knew me. I feel horrible inside having never got the chance to see her again. or speak to her. and no one to blame having been just the way things played out i feel absolutely wretched inside. she raised 7 children on her own after her husband burned down the house falling asleep with a cigarette. I wish i got to know her as an adult. spent many nights in her bed watching ytv late at night while my aunts and uncles played cards in her dining room. sometimes i would fall asleep and wake up in the morning still there my parents leaving me overnight. i would cry feeling abandoned. I had recurring dreams about her basement all the way into my teenhood, it had a boiler room that used wood to heat her house and two large taxidermy animals. she had a little skinny gray poodle named star. greif is a funny little thing. makes people uncomfy/makes me uncomfy no idea how to be there for someone greiving/ its so personal and hard to share. makes me retreat into myself.
Dec 2 2022
06:31pm
I feel cringy about that last post lots of self pity there that i need to shut UP about. Things are not that bad. my home life balance/chronic pains are kept to a minimum and i have so much time to rest my brain. I havent used an alarm clock to wake up in months. truly living my dreams out here. oxox cranky pants. I don gon learned to crochet, and have been major isolating from social things. i feel addicted to being at home all the time. its comforting its coy why would i leave this place.
Nov 18 2022
10:31am
Damn damn damn back again. Hello 2 no one. SOOObbed on the couch like a big baby and thot ok better come write something cause crying is p useless. feeling sorry for myself is so wack. Im struggling with a lil bit of self induced poverty. rly am too fucked in the head to know how to get another well paying job. Cannot picture a future where i am not struggling. rly like what is the damn point (of living) talking shit. gotta rememind myself that i chose this *lol*. Really feeling like i am just soo sooo soooo going backwards in my life. Except without the impulsive life ruining choices. On top of it all I have the loomiong anxiety of my dying father over my head. I feel constant guilt for ghosting him. Unsure if its the right choice. I feel a desperate urge to know him, but ultimately know its not going to be what i expect. Its so hard to reason with a man that is delusional. Its hard to reason with a man that threatens suicide constantly. I cannot block him incaSE he is rly dying which means weekly messages accusing me of shit or reminding me that he loves me or asking why i dont love him. Just a burden i gotta let myself carry. I sob and i digress.
Sep 9 2022
10:39pm
ok i been sittin on the computer all damn day my wrist got carpal tunnel (11hrs) im sad im sick cause i just wanna be with my friends, and see my tiny son. im feeling big, had a lil cry ate nothing all day except a bag of takis and some saurkraut. so im loggin the hell off gonna g binge some tv that i have no desire to watch rn. goooo bye bye bye bye bye
music: woolworm - hearted
10:00am
Once again my
mood: naked sick alone
books reading: lapvona
music: BIG RIG - CLOZER
July 9 2022
Had a miserable miserable night, had to cry and do a phone poetry (thats private). went to bed at two, woke up at 5 after having a lil nightmare. couldnt recall the details but something where damon dies. I woke up at 8 and gave up sleeping more. been drinking coffee in bed all morning havent showered in 5 days. I AM GOBLIN MODE. I have relinquished control of my life and succumbed to my innability to move or care for myself. my meals while home sick since wednesday were:
✶an entire cheesecake
✶3 spring rolls from a box
✶kfc vegan chicken burger
✶bag of takis
✶a slice of pizza
✶saurkraut from the jar
✶poptarts
✶a muffin i didnt finish
i refuse to cook even though i cant afford not to. but no money later is a later problem. i forget to eat until 3pm everyday. i nurse two cups of coffee for breakfast. I am numb but could cry any second if i let myself feel a thing. let a thing hurt me. nothing should hurt me because nothing is wrong and yet.....
July 8 2022
7:39pm
ok i been sittin on the computer all damn day my wrist got carpal tunnel (11hrs) im sad im sick cause i just wanna be with my friends, and see my tiny son. im feeling big, had a lil cry ate nothing all day except a bag of takis and some saurkraut. so im loggin the hell off gonna g binge some tv that i have no desire to watch rn. goooo bye bye bye bye bye
music: woolworm - hearted
10:00am
Once again my
mood: naked sick alone
books reading: lapvona
music: BIG RIG - CLOZER
jan 28 2022
Damon and I's 6 yr aniversary is comin up. It feels good to have love and trust for so long. My fear of
mood: feeling gooooooooooooooooooood
books reading: Bunny
music: dj TAKA feat.AiMEE - refrain
jan 26 2022
woke up in a pile of drool, after
mood: tired
books reading: Bunny
game playing: Animal crossing
jan 25 2022
Ive been jobless since idk when maybe november? Its hard to remember I as the days kee passing by. I spent the last month in bed I wasnt sick but i guess just sick in the head. Its so easy to stay numb and complacent in the environment of this world. When it feels like there is absolutely nothing to live for. I know what keeps me alive because ive relied on these things in the past to keep me alive. My healthy coping mechanisms. See a friendly face. Laugh if i can. Distract my mind. I do it all the time. Take but once away and im reeling. Again. Its easy to slip into the nothing. Coding this blog is the first time ive felt a glimmer of something that isnt mind numbing in weeks. im going to hold onto it as long as i can. Ive been thinking out loud in my head about the things I will be able to write here. Its so hard to post things on instagram/twitter where it feels like every word is picked apart. I want to be free of that feeling.
xoxo
